What a miracle.

I  just  had  a little spiritual awakening.

He relapsed  for the 4th time in two months – with something he loves more than life – crack cocaine. And even though I am emotionally bankrupt, I’m not mad at him and am filled with more compassion than ever.

His options are recovery, jail or he’s going to die. That’s just the way it is and he’s spiraling so far from recovery, the latter(s) are inevitable.

If he goes to jail or prison again, I wont yell, lecture, or belittle him. I won’t even be passive aggressive. I plan to say what I mean from my heart. Perhaps it will sound something like this:
– You will be fine.
– You will get through this.
– Do your time with integrity and stay sober.
I feel calm and relieved.  Just for this hour, God has lifted my obsession, anger and worry.

And if he dies, he will finally be at peace, won’t hurt anymore and won’t have to face the  years of guilt and shame that he has carried with him for so long. What a relief that would be for him.

Although I don’t understand the mind of the alcoholic, I have learned to accept it. I know in my heart if he dies, he will be my forever guardian angel because I know  he loved me the best way he knew how.

Addiction is a disease like diabetes or cancer. Being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer is not too promising. When all treatments have been exhausted, maybe everyone has to accept the inevitable.

Maybe there is a stage 4 in the disease of addiction. Where the long-term effects of substance abuse warped and damaged the brain so beyond  normalcy, the chance of healing is slim.   Drug abuse can initiate mental illness, which can also kill.

So I pray because that’s all I can do. But I don’t pray for my boyfriend. I pray to the God of my understanding for my strength, His will, acceptance and to help me let go.